We had our little boy.
Jude Victor Hay. Born 26th July, 50.5cm and 7 pounds 1 ounce. We are so blessed.
My sister-in-law went to see a medium on Saturday. She passed along this message from her appointment. Amy’s grandmother passed away which is who my sister-in-law is referring to when she say’s Nan.
Amy has been trying to find someone to go and see because she wanted to try to connect with Indie. I guess Indie found a way of getting in contact with us and boy oh boy were we blown away and feeling the love.
“Nan has Indie and she said she is very sorry and loves you. Nan said “she is with me, with me” & Nan was apparently holding her. She said you guys are in the line of trying again & the next time you fall pregnant the baby/babies will stay in the living and have no problems with their hearts. It was just with indie that had the heart problem and she loved being inside the womb but she knew herself that she wasn’t going to breathe when she left there but Nan was there with her and she’s with Nan now. She said you will have 2 kids not sure. It maybe twins even. “
Day’s like those days, I wish I could reach my arms to heaven and hold her so tight. I wish I could tell her how much I loved having her within me safe and sound. I hope Indie knew each and everyday how much I loved being pregnant and carrying her for the whole of her little life. I was never as happy as I was when I was pregnant with her. I still long to feel Indie in my arms. I still crave Indie like never before.
Today is the day we were due to meet our little girl Indie.
When we found out we were pregnant I imagined what it would be to go into labour and how the birth would be, I was scared to my bones. I had no idea that what I was imagining was nothing in comparison to what was to be. I imagined somehow my waters would break, Amy would cry and get excited and complain we had “over packed” the bags as she loaded them in the car. I imagined the drive there to be a little scary and exciting. I imagined our eyes would be fixated on each other and Amy would hold me up and keep me going for we were about to bring our little girl into the world, safe and sound earth side and Indie would be ready and able to accept all the buckets of love we had accumulated ready to explode from within into her tiny little heart. Our daughter would be placed in our arms and no amount of labour would have not been worth that first glance into her little eyes. I was scared to give birth, although everyone always told me you forget it all the second they are in your arms.
I never thought I would birth Indie sleeping and I never thought for one moment I would spend the rest of my life aching for her to be in my arms yet I am forever grateful I have not forgotten, not even for a split second what Indies labour was like. I wish for that day over and over and I know I always will, that was the day I met my truest love, my littlest love and the most beautiful parts of me.
We will never know Indie’s eye colour, her hair colour, the sound of her voice or giggle. We will never know all her different types of cries and for that I am hurting. I wish so bad to have known all the little intricate parts of her and our bond and relationship. I wish so bad for Indie to have felt our arms and love and our strength as a family. I wish Indie would have been given the chance of life because I know we would have raised such a beautiful soul. I wish we were given a chance to be her mum’s in life and not just through death, I wish it could have been the three of us forever. As this day comes and my heart aches for Indie I know that she is so proud of us and who we have chosen to become in the midst of all the grief and loss.
I just remember each and everyday that I have someone looking after me and regardless of anything I ever achieve in life, Indie will be the start of my greatest achievement ever, becoming a mother.
When I think of Indie I don’t associate her life and death with a dark sadness.
When I think about living day-to-day without our daughter I don’t associate it with depression.
When I think about the times to come where Indie will be missing I don’t feel punished.
When I think about Indie I feel blessed.
When I wake up and Indie is not beside me I feel thankful she isn’t in any pain.
When I live the rest of our lives and Indie can’t be physically with us I feel lucky to have someone looking out for us from above.
I have chosen to think this way. I work on thinking this way everyday of my life and I probably always will. This does not make me strong nor does it mean I am “perfectly fine” and over my daughter’s death it just means I have actively made a choice to celebrate in my pregnancy, birth and my daughter’s life and how I choose to live our future for her. I choose to walk the steps my daughter will never take. I will choose to smile when things get tough because that’s what Indie would want. That’s what I want.
I don’t feel a sadness when it comes to Indie, I feel like her mother.I feel loved. I feel special and no amount of death can take her away from me now or ever.
It has been almost 7 weeks since Indie has passed. Where does time go?
Things on the physical side have almost cleared, I’m booked in for my 6 week check up on Thursday with Professor Peak. I have started exercising and doing some small weights with Amy and then a walk now that I can fully get into things. I feel really motivated to get my weight down. I only put on 8.8kg when I was pregnant but due to almost zero exercise in my life before falling pregnant I was advised to take it easy until we were in the clear then everything happened and things got bad moving and shaking what my mumma gave me went out the window. After Indie was born sleeping I went into a spiral of avoiding food and in turn I have become a starving lady with a short fuse when I become hungry. Loosing weight helped me get my period back on track so here goes. Amy got me a Fitbit for Christmas and I LOVE it. I’m a really competitive person and like being pushed so it really helps me keep interested in moving.
Amy and I just got back from sunny (HOT) Queensland. We had booked the trip when I was pregnant with Indie and were booked into have a maternity shoot with Kristina Childs (if you aren’t familiar with her, please google search her immediately).
When we lost Indie Kristina kindly returned our deposit and I just sat there dreading the trip that was coming. Amy had been so great with the booking. She booked a hotel that wasn’t too far from things so I could still enjoy the holiday and walk around but be close to our hotel to head back if I was exhausted. I would have been 26 weeks during the trip so she really did her research and planned a great holiday. I was scared to go in fear that I would shut myself up in this fabulous hotel room and feel lost and sad however I tried my luck getting an appointment with a tattoo artist I have long admired – Malika Rose and she could fit me in. After she managed to organize things with her own little boys after being away for a while this was such a nice thing for Malika to do we booked in a car trip to Brisbane on the Monday of our holiday and off we went. Malika drew up a breathtaking rose with Indie’s name underneath it. Choosing where to put it was easy for me. My sternum, underneath my breasts so when I look down at my belly and no longer see her growing there I can see this beautiful rose instead. I loved being pregnant and I love being Indie’s mother and now I can look at my belly again and feel strength in what we have been through.
I miss Indie everyday, that never changes. I think about all the things we didn’t get to do with her. But I do know that as the days get easier to get through without breaking down and the nights are becoming easier to sleep that our little girl is the reason we are this strong. Indie is the reason for living now because I know she would want me to smile more than cry and love more than hate. I’m starting to feel stronger everyday that this will all be ok and we will always feel her close to us like I do now. I hope this warmth never goes away.
I have this urge lately to acknowledge just how lucky Amy and I were to have fallen pregnant with Indie.
It was our first try. We didn’t have months that turned into years of trying to conceive. We really are so lucky.
We decided with my super irregular period that we would start tracking. My period has always been so crazy and a 40+ day cycle but it comes and it hurts and that’s been that. I have been diagnosed with POCs and while I was seeing on OBGYN the only issues I seemed to suffer from is weight gain, a few extra hairy spots every now and then and cysts that would form and it turn burst and I would have some discomfort and bloating. My period has always been painful for the 3 days leading into it and then would be non existent by day 2 of my cycle. I got my weight down and continued to see my OBGYN and she informed me after months of taking care of myself that if I was in a heterosexual relationship there would be no issue me falling pregnant. While she couldn’t tell me to try IUI she was saying that we would be great for it. I still remember calling her to tell her we were pregnant. Such a beautiful soul. I recall all the midwives telling me I “didn’t look like someone with POCs”. I wonder what they meant?
I had started tracking ovulation with OPK and was getting severely confused with determining on my own if the control line was darker or the same as the test line. My poor older sister would get several photos a night and so many confused texts from me. I opted to purchase a digital one and continued to test. Cycle day 34 I see the smiling face and off we went. Amy was fabulous, more together than I thought she was and I was the scared freaking out control freak. 11 days later and we are staring at our first positive. So lucky. I wish everyday made me feel like that day.
I think when my grief gets too much I think about all the things to be grateful for and even being able to have such a lucky and great experience falling pregnant with Indie has made me grateful. I had 2 weeks of smell induced all day sickness, sensitive breasts, bleeding and swollen gums and some face and back acne. THAT’S ALL. It’s just another small thing that makes me feel like going through what we have been through was because we were special enough to have been chosen for Indie. And that makes me happy and sad all at once.
the 15th of October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day and also 4 weeks since I had given birth to Indie. I had no idea how beautiful this day would turn out to be. There was a strange sadness and comfort of being surrounded by families that had experienced what I was going through and we could, on some level be there to help one an other. As sad as it seems I felt a comfort being with them.
Bears of Hope and White lady Funerals did such a great job. It was so beautifully organized. The whole thing just honestly went above and beyond any expectation I had. I can’t wait to make it a yearly event and celebrate all the lives that were too perfect for this world.
Today, the 17th of October is Indie’s 1 month angel anniversary.
Today like most days I am filled with a mixture of feelings. Mostly missing her like crazy, a little part angry, a lot in love and a huge feeling of strength. I feel strong and brave when I think that I gave birth to our little girl. I did it. I had to push her out, We were chosen as her parents and I would do it all over again and again.
Already a month. I wish we could have been together.